My World Was Cold And Colorless
by xMissCatastrophe
Summary: A post-CoLS Malec fanfic about how the boys are coping without one another. Please R&R! Rated T for suggestive themes.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Post-CoLS story about how Alec and Magnus are coping without each other. Next chapter will be Magnus's PoV. R&R please, I love you all, you beautiful readers.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Mortal Instruments nor am I Cassandra Clare.**

* * *

**Alec**

I am walking through a city that is white. The road is white. The buildings are white. The sky is white. Everything looks smooth, like polished marble. This world is colorless, this world is cold. This world is cruel. I had began associating color with happiness, as one only can after knowing who Magnus Bane is.

Magnus Bane. I shiver just thinking about him. My eyes begin to burn and my vision begins to blur. Magnus. What was I thinking, messing with him like that? Why didn't I just say something to him about it? _You're an idiot, that's why!_ my thoughts scream.

A cold gust comes out of nowhere and fills my aching lungs. I cannot get enough breath. I blink rapidly, the unwelcome tears streaming down my face. I begin to shake. I cannot bear to imagine life without him. I remember his beautiful green-gold cat eyes and his smooth tan skin. His black hair, gelled up into perfect spikes. His sequined clothes, his tight pants. The eyeliner, the glitter. He was my everything. I cannot lose him now. Not after everything. I cannot afford to lose Magnus Bane. I cannot afford to lose my shiny warlock.

The first sob wracks through my body, making me shake harder. I fall to my knees in the colorless street. I let out a scream. There is no one here to hear me. I let out another. It feels good, but not good enough. I am still freezing from the inside out. A heart that used to speed up whenever I even thought about the cat eyes is now frozen and just barely pumps any life into me at all. I wonder how I am still even...alive.

Now I am lying down, shaking harder than ever. The white road feels cool and smooth on my cheek. I rake my hands through my hair, pulling hard at it. I just want to stop thinking, I want to forget it all...I don't want this to plague me anymore.

And then, all of a sudden, there is a voice somewhere behind me. "Look at you, Alexander. Look at you."

I cough, choking on my sob. Tears are pouring relentlessly out of my eyes, and now I am caught in a coughing fit. I turn onto my other side to look at the speaker, although I already know who it is.

Before me stands Magnus, and he is the only color in the world. His hair is gelled up into perfect, sparkly spikes, his eyes are glittering with something unreadable. His pants are gold, shiny, and stretchy. He has a stress yellow longsleeved shirt on and a black sequined vest over it. "Alexander, my love, why the long face?" He tuts.

I try to speak, but it comes out something between an anguished whimper and a scream. My throat feels raw. "Ah," he says, as if he can decode my incoherent babble. "Alexander," he says, placing two tan hands on his hips, "we cannot be."

And then all of the color from my world is gone.

I woke up screaming and crying, with Isabelle shaking me frantically. "Alec," she whispered as I opened my eyes. "Oh, Alec. Are you okay? Was it the dream again?" She pulled me into her long, warm arms. Isabelle was always warm. "God, Alec, you're freezing."

Tears streamed down my face. I buried myself into the crook of her neck. I'd had the nightmare for the fourth time this week. It had only been four days since Magnus had broken up with me.

When I brought all of my things home from his house, I had felt disconnected even then. I'd just laid in his bed, on his side, on top of the mess of blankets, breathing the scent of sandalwood and what could only be described as Magnus in. I had known that I would miss it, that I would probably never set foot into his apartment again. I took a picture of us on vacation that he had framed. I doubted he wanted it anymore. I bawled uncontrollably the entire time. Most of my belongings from Magnus's house remained in the duffel bag, untouched. I knew that they would smell like sandalwood. I wasn't ready to endure that pain just yet.

I held back a sob, accidentally coughing into my sister's black hair. "S-sorry," I mumbled, sniffling and pulling away from her neck. I laid back down and curled into the fetal position, not so much as even attempting to hold back the tears. They would come anyway. They always did.

Izzy brushed my dark hair out of my eyes. "Alec, I'm sorry. But I doubt that it's really over. Magnus is undoubtedly just as broken as you are. Give him some space, give him some time."

I nodded, not wanting to take her advice, but knowing that I had to. Izzy had way more experience with dating and guys than I did. Sometimes I want to think that she's right, that he only needs space. Other times I can only think she's wrong. I always nod, though, just so she'll leave me alone. I just want to be alone.

She smiled artificially at me, patted my damp cheek, and stood up. Just before she shut the door, she turned back to me and said, "It will all work out, Alec. Just you wait."

I sobbed. She closed the door.

I had left Magnus voicemails, shoved letters under his door, left him flowers. Nothing had gotten to me in return. All I wanted was him. I had never wanted anything so much in my entire life. My heart ached at the thought of him. My head was pounding. I could not stop thinking. For once, I just wanted it to stop. Is this what Jace felt when he wanted Clary so badly? Only...Jace didn't cry. I had never seen Jace cry and I probably never would. Unlike me, Jace was sturdy.

The palpable sense of loss overrode all of my thoughts again.

I stopped crying and now I was only shaking, lying on my back in bed, clutching the sheets to my chest, willing them to take Magnus's form. Willing them to smell like him, to be him. The cold, black mass that had formed in my heart was stretching out to my limbs, numbing everything. All of me was numb and now I was still. My brain was frozen like a computer screen on the image of Magnus, smiling, happy.

I couldn't help but wonder if he had already found someone else. But then I realized that it didn't matter. I did not care how many people he'd loved or slept with before me, or if he even loved them more. I just wanted to know that I was the only one he cared about right now, in this second, this minute, this hour. I didn't care about the others before. But the fear of him finding someone else only four days after our split was insurmountable.

If it wasn't for my selfishness, I wouldn't be in this state. This inevitable, painful, mindless state. If I hadn't been so afraid, this never would have happened.

I loved Magnus, more than anything. But maybe Isabelle was right. Maybe he needed some space, and then he'd call me back.

Then I remembered that he never called me back before we went into Alicante. So why would he call me back now?

I could wish all I wanted. It didn't change that I was shattered beyond repair and my world, like in the dream, was cold and colorless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Magnus**

Chairman Meow was curled up in my lap, asleep. I stroked my fingers over his white and gray fluffy kitten fur as I though it were Alexander's hair. Alec had fallen asleep in my lap more times than I could count, and I'd always played with his pretty, pretty black locks, stroked his soft, pale skin...

_Don't think about him_, I scolded myself. He'd tried to shorten my life. No one touches my immortality. Not even Alexander Lightwood.

Instead I thought of how disheveled I probably looked, after being in the same golden silk pajamas for four days. I even had my alien slippers on. I had not showered or changed my clothes or even fixed my hair in _four days_. Four days ago, I had ended it with Alec. No more being a pet warlock, no more working without pay, no more Alec.

No more Alec.

Out of habit, I fingered the bracelet he'd gotten me right after we'd gotten together. It was simple, a silver band with my his name on it. _Alexander Gideon Lightwood. _His name flashed behind my eyes as I blinked. I shuddered inwardly, trying not to start crying.

That first night had been terrible. I'd come home, expecting to see him sitting on the bed, looking miserable and waiting to apologize. Except, he was gone. All of him was gone. Except the smell of him on the pillow. And that was starting to fade, too. I had no pictures of us together-he'd taken them all. Even the one I had on my nightstand of us kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. When I'd gotten home, there was nothing here for me besides a note from Alexander and Chairman Meow curled up on my favorite chair.

_Magnus_, it said.

_I'm sorry. I know that means nothing to you, but I really am. I wish I could make it up to you some way. By the way...Camille's dead. I didn't kill her, but I was going to. Little vamp Maureen beat me to the punch. I thought you might want to know, seeing as you were friends and all._

_I still love you, now more than ever._

_I hope you can forgive me at one point._

_I'll never stop loving you, promise._

_Always Yours,_

_Alexander Gideon Lightwood_

That was when the tears had come. The love of my life was gone, and Camille was dead, which meant more drama. Damn vampires. I started crying, which led to bawling as I laid in bed with the note pressed to my chest. That led to throwing things around my room, like my favorite coffee mug, which had shattered once it hit the wall. Eventually, I was tired, weak, and pathetic. So I curled up and tried to get the numbness to go away. I fell asleep, then awoke two hours later shaking and screaming due to a dream about him.

I couldn't even _sleep_.

My newest spot was the chair, which was also Chairman Meow's newest spot. Well, my lap was, really.

As I stroked his fur, I realized that I was probably more than disgusting and needed to shower. So I got up, disturbing my little tabby kitten from his nap, and shuffled my way to the bathroom. One glance at my bedraggled self in the mirror and it was over. I began to cry silently again, shuddering as I stepped under the warm current of water. I let the tears come and winced as I washed my hair and body with the sandalwood-scented stuff. Alexander had loved sandalwood...choked sob number one.

By the time I was out of the shower, my eyes were bright red and puffy. "I hate you," I hissed at my reflection as I dried myself off. Fuck this, fuck it fuck it fuck it.

_So stupid to get mad about. He only did it because he loves you. Yes, it was selfish and stupid, but he did it because he loves you. He wants to grow old with you, not just grow old in front of you. What's wrong with you, Magnus? What is _wrong _with you?_

I throw on new pajamas at random and end up buttoning them up wrong...oh well, it's four in the morning and no one ever comes to visit anyway. "Chairman," I call out as I enter the living area for the thousandth time in four days. He hops off the couch adorably and trots up to me, his fluffy white tail bouncing as he does. He purrs and nuzzles my leg, bites at the antennae of my alien slippers. "Yeah, I love you, too," I said quietly, sinking down to pet him. He lets me for a moment, then trots over to the door and meows sadly.

"I know," I told him, walking over to him. "I miss him, too, Chairman. I miss him, too."

He looks at me with wide and sad green eyes. "Mrrroooooowww."

"He's not here and he's not coming back anytime soon!" I snapped, stomping over to the big window that overlooks the street. I see a happy straight couple walking hand in hand. I watched them for the longest time, as they sat down on a bench sharing a pack of cigarettes and lighter, chatting and kissing. I sighed, hugging myself numbly. I should return his calls. At least one of them. Right? _No, that's a terrible idea!_ my brain shouts, trying to knock some sense into me. And my heart just screams, _Do it! Do it! You'll hear his sweet voice and then everything will be okay. It'll all be okay._

My brain needs a sign that says _I'm with stupid! _pointing to my heart, because, without even thinking, I am dialing Alexander's phone number and I am pressing the call button.

The numb heart in my chest was pumping furiously. The phone rang three, four, five times. And then someone answered it. "Hello?" Alec's voice came through the phone, croaky and rough. Like he'd just been crying. _That was silly, Alexander didn't cry_. "Magnus? Magnus, is that you?" he asks, his voice hitching a little.

Words form in my mouth, but instead of coming out, they slip down my throat and settle into my stomach, leaving me uneasy and nauseous. "Is there anyone there?" His voice, God, his voice. The soundtrack of my life for the past three months.

I hung up abruptly, unable to take it anymore but hating the pain I know it causes him. _Why did I just do that? WHY? _I must be dumber than I thought I was.

Without even thinking, I stalked into the kitchen gloomily and pulled a bottle of Crown Royal out of the cupboard. It was almost empty. I reopened the cupboard, exposing two tall bottles of vodka and some Absinthe. I grabbed one of the bottles of vodka and a tray of ice cubes and cranberry juice from the fridge.

Self-medicating is what I do best, anyhow.

**Clary**

No one had heard from Magnus at all in the past few days, except for the possibility of Alec. So I trekked over to his house by myself, because the Silent Brothers wouldn't let Jace out of the Institute, let alone the infirmary portion. Isabelle was still asleep and so were my mom and Luke, and Simon was lying low to protect himself from Raphael. Plus, he didn't much like Magnus. Magnus could barely remember his name, anyway. So, I went alone, doing the typical dumbass Clary thing.

When I rang the buzzer, nothing happened for about a minute. I was about to walk away when Magnus' voice came over the speaker: "What do you want?" It was harsh.

"It's Clary. Can I come up?"

"It about Alexander?"

"Pretty much."

I heard a dramatic warlock eyeroll, and then, "Come up, then, I know you're not going to leave me alone, anyway."

Trying to suppress a smile because Magnus was so familiar with my stubbornness, I went up to his apartment. He was standing with the door open, in badly buttoned plaid pajamas with blue silky bottoms and alien slippers with long antennae. He had dark circles under his eyes, was makeup and glitter free, with messy hair. He looked absolutely miserable.

"By the Angel, you look almost as bad as he does."

Magnus snorted. "I have a raging hangover, I'm sure he doesn't."

"Touche."

He smiled weakly and fakely, inviting me reluctantly into the living room, where I sat on a couch. Chairman Meow curled up on my lap, purring and covering my green jacket in white cat hair. Oh, whatever, he was cute, I didn't care. I pet him. "I know you're not here just to chat, Clarissa. Get straight to the point. I'm tired."

Fair enough. "Did you call Alec last night?"

He stiffened. "So what if I did?"

"I was only wondering. Izzy called me last night telling me someone had called him and he didn't know who, but he thought for sure it was you and after you hung up, he broke down and started throwing stuff all over his room and at anyone who came near him. It was pretty bad from what I understand."

A frown that had already begun deepened into his sallow complexion. He looked like he hadn't eaten for days. "It was me," he admitted brokenly.

I nodded. "We figured."

He looked down at the carpet, his golden green cat eyes shimmering and rippling sadly, like a body of water in a faint breeze. "How don't you all hate me?"

"I hate Sebastian," I said without thinking. "I'm just upset with you. With both of you, actually. He was selfish and you didn't ever open up to him. You two needed to communicate more."

He nodded sadly, playing with his fingers. "You're right," he said quietly. "I didn't trust him. I thought he would be just like all the others, judging me for my past. I guess I didn't realize how _different_ Alexander really is," he said, probably more to himself than me. His cat eyes met mine. "I miss him, Clarissa. I really do. But I can't take him back, not now."

"I know," I said, standing up to leave, setting Chairman Meow down on the couch cushion. He shook himself out and curled back up, purring at nothing. "I suppose I'll leave you now. You're hungover and cranky and sad. You probably want to be alone. The Angel knows I did when Jace disappeared."

Magnus nodded. I let myself out.


End file.
